Jason and I never really went on dates. At least not in the sense of him asking me out or me asking him out. We've always just mutually agreed on going somewhere and then doing it, but overall we are both homebodies.
Our last "date" was June 2011 when we went out for a fancy-ish dinner without children while on a vacation at the beach. Afterwards, we were going to walk around. Only we ran into my Mom and Kevin out with the kids and then the kids wanted us--soooo we stayed with the kids. All together probably 1 1/2 hours without children. Before that our last date was about two weeks before Sage was born when a friend took River to Dutch Wonderland and we went to Olive Garden for lunch and saw a movie.
When my Mom and Kevin came down for the long weekend we had to force ourselves to go out. The original plan was a movie, but there were no good times and nothing we had a burning desire to see. So instead we drove out to Cosi and shared some S'mores.
There was an ease in my body. I didn't need to be on high alert--my head swiveling between child one and child two. I could enjoy the taste of my food, focus on conversation, and actually meet Jason's eyes. At the same time, I couldn't help thinking how dull life would be without kids as we desperately tried to think of what else to do and where to go to fill our mini-escape.
One is the loneliness number.
Two is better.
Three is dynamic.
Four is rich.
Children add such force to the days. They are mutable. Always throwing you for a loop. Always doing new things. Always needing and demanding.
Stepping out for a brief moment made me see how much I thrive in family, in mothering, in being busy, busy, busy.
It also made me realize how far Jason and I have come and how much I miss being able to give him my all.
(Sometimes I feel spread thin. A sheet pulled between two pairs of little hands and the demanding cries of "Mommy!/Mama!")
I can't look at Jason's face without seeing a bit of River around his eyes, in his smile, in the sheepish way he sometimes looks at me.
He says the same of me.
(River is such a oblivious blend. A cut and paste combination of this part of me and that part of Jason. Sage, more of a paint mix blend to make a new color--is not so easily to do this with.)
We reminisced about things that felt ancient. At the same time it feels unreal that I am going to be turning 30 this year, that I have two children (one a year away from Kindergarten), that we live in the suburbs of Baltimore, that I drive I hipster microvan, that Babette will be nine, that I graduated from high school over ten years ago, that my brother has been dead for almost two years....
Time runs like water.
I dip my toes in its flow.
