December 3/3: Changing plans

It has been a hard week. First River  was sick. I had appointments every day and sometimes twice a day. Places I had to be and taking a baby anywhere is difficult. I have to make sure I nurse and change him before we go and often I have to stop to repeat this care while we are out. All while exhausted. After River got well, Jason became sick. Without Jason I was pulling more of the load and begging Winston to let me just do this or that. Jason is on the mend, but still feeling lousy when we went about our Saturday plans.

December 2/3: Notes from the Mommy Trench

I am behind on everything, including updating my blog. Last night I told Jason, that there is a part of me that feels like I am currently existing in a state of varying degrees of failure because I don't have time or energy to do anything well. This includes, cleaning, being social with family and friends, getting to appointments on time, remembering obligations, cooking dinner (which I haven't even attempted!), spending quality time with all three children, and the list goes on. Thankfully, I have two voices. I have a voice of fears, anxities and low confidence.

December 1/3: Child the Third and Exhaustion

It is hard to believe I was pregnant not too long ago or that Winston was not here. He fits just right in our family. He's an easy baby so far. Each day he is more alert and watchful. The kids take turns holding him. Mostly, he is held and when not held, sleeping in the middle of all the action in a little reclining seat. He's there when we run all our errands. At night he lays curled against Jason or I sleeping, sometimes, for a four hour blocks before waking to eat. Today he cried when I took him out of the warm bath. And by cry, I realy mean he fussed a bit. He's not much for crying.

November 4/4: The Spirit of Giving

Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

-Leviticus 19:18

The month of November is meant to end on a contemplation of graditude followed then by "the season of giving" which, for our family, is a celebration of Christmas. This has been a year of countless blessings. First, that I have learned to embrace and savor the feeling of graditude. It is really a way of looking at life. Instead of complaining, I try to turn those complaints around to something to be thankful for.

November 3/4: Winston's Birth

There is a part of the mind that knows things before you really know things. That doesn't make much sense.  I think we have forgotten or not yet discovered how to commincate fully with our bodies. Part of yoga is learning how to do this better. I lead with this idea because I think a part of me knew Winston was going to come early or earlier than I had locked my brain into thinking. I was insistent we install the car seat. I made up the guest bed. Sunday I had braxton hicks off and on for the entire day.

November 2/4: Drumroll please

I've reached that point where random people from everywhere ask me "When are you due?" and "Do you know what you are having?" Maybe they form their thoughts as a statement, "Almost done!" or "You look about ready to pop!" I can see how things like this annoy other people, but it doesn't bother me. Everyone who talks about my belly and the baby has a smile. It's like a community celebration of life. I'll take it. Also, it garners sympathy in lines. I've had old men scooping up things I drop and customer service tends to be far more pleasent.

November 1/4: Choking on acid while thoughts elsewhere

My mind is turned inward. I don't remember if this happened the last two times. I was much more stubborn in my previous pregnancies. Less willing to give myself over to the process and changes of growing life. I've grown a bit more wise since them, more grateful, less anxious and controlling. I remember my friend in her last weeks. The way I would talk and her his gaze would be a bit off to the side. She was turned inward too. Listening to me, but listening to the messages of her body always. Soon. Soon. Soon.  

October 3/4: Second attempt

I did have this awesome blog post I already wrote on Wednesday. It was about fumbling through unexpected things and keeping faith. Then the power went out and my work was entirely lost. Aptly lost. It kept with the theme. Now I find myself uninspired to try to rehash the ease of that last post. Obviously, not cursing when the rug is pulled out from under one's feet is a good thing. Accpeting is even better. Moving on now.

Here are some of my current blessings:

October 2/4: Good Enough

One of the hardest things for me to overcome is a pervasive sense that I need to get things done. That my value is defined by my ability to control my life. It's something that motherhood has really helped me with as well as the kind modeling of some of my favorite fellow mothers. These women are awesome and flawed, but not ashamed to admit it. 


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