I went to my first Al-Anon meeting with my friend. My mother has suggested I go
to Al-Ateen several times but I always refused. When she dropped me off at
school after my winter break she saw the add for Al-anon in the newspaper and
suggested that, but I said "hell no. I'm not going to that" Then my friend came
and told me she was going, and I told her I would go too. If she was
doing it then I could find the strength to do it as well. She I went. In a small
room at the top of a stone church with one lamp glowing the the dimness and candles burning I listened to older women tell their stories as I sat in a
rocking chair with my hands clamped between my knees. I couldn't speak the
greetings, my heart was hammering, my mouth felt dry, I wanted to run out of the
room and vomit. I could hear them talking. I tried to remain attentive but my
mind kept on running over things. My friend spoke so calmly. She organized and coherent. And then it was my turn I was was just blabbing, and the tears just
began to come. I didn't want to freaking cry! I was apologizing for crying. No
one said anything to me. One girl, her mouth had gone all thin, and she looked
like she might cry too. This guilt was eating me up. This guilt and this pain.
All the anger had just vanished. The next woman spoke, and I fought the tears
that were trying to run down my cheeks. My throat was tight and sore. I kept
thinking...my god. I have problems. I'm really sick with it. It's been so long
but I'm really sick with it. I need help. I need help bad. And then.. I wish
Jason were here so hold me now. I wish he was here.
After it was over I
spoke to a nice woman and I found myself saying things. Like that I always tried
to put on a good front, not think about it, and act tough. She nodded to
everything I said and there was such compassion in her eyes. I mentioned Jason
and how hard it is for me to give in to that type of relationship. I told her I
want to fix myself now, so I don't loose anymore people I love. That I won't
make myself distanced from them.
Can I ever get rid of it? She said yes.
Do I want to get rid of it? I don't know...
There is a picture of me from a few years ago. She's staring at me from the
corner of her eyes. My skins crawls. She keeps looking at me. If she had known
then she's be staring at me a few years from then, what would she have done? She
looks like a stranger full of secrets and a storm of crazy thoughts. I'm scared
of her. That isn't me. That can't be me, but she has my old Id bracelet showing
on her wrist.
Rabid S Poo: i have a hole in my soul
Rabid S Poo: it's Autumn sized