My little brother passed away early this morning. I am in a state of shock, moving into anger at him, to sadness where I imagine my whole life before me without my brother in it, to numbness again, to memories that make me laugh, to numbness again.
He was 25. I never expected him to be my first big grief.
I don't know how I am supposed to feel or respond or act. Now I know what all those other people felt when they said these things. When someone they loved die. Now I really do understand that there is no right way to be. Mainly I am just angry. Angry at him for being stupid. Angry at circumstance for shitting on him. Frustrated with the past that set him on a path to this day. I'm trying to fight the blame game, but I'm just plain mad.
That puts me somewhere between the first and second stages of grief. Isolation and anger.
I want to crawl into bed and sleep. I don't want to go to his wake or his funeral. I don't want comfort. I mainly just want to be left alone. But there is family and obligation and a series of steps. I don't need to see him to know he is gone. I don't want to cry anymore.
He is in my thoughts every single second since I heard. That seems like torture enough. And in my utter selfishness I want nothing more than that--this terrible knowledge.
I am so mad he left me alone. I can't remember a time without him in it and now he'll never know my second child, he'll never have children of his own, he'll never go gray, and he won't be with me when others die.
Of course, no posting for awhile. I have traveling to prepare for and reserves to scrap to the bottom of to find the energy to get through the next few days.
Now I can say, yes I do understand. I know grief and loss and a sadness that usurps any other. I should have been more thankful of my ignorance.
He was 25. I never expected him to be my first big grief.
I don't know how I am supposed to feel or respond or act. Now I know what all those other people felt when they said these things. When someone they loved die. Now I really do understand that there is no right way to be. Mainly I am just angry. Angry at him for being stupid. Angry at circumstance for shitting on him. Frustrated with the past that set him on a path to this day. I'm trying to fight the blame game, but I'm just plain mad.
That puts me somewhere between the first and second stages of grief. Isolation and anger.
I want to crawl into bed and sleep. I don't want to go to his wake or his funeral. I don't want comfort. I mainly just want to be left alone. But there is family and obligation and a series of steps. I don't need to see him to know he is gone. I don't want to cry anymore.
He is in my thoughts every single second since I heard. That seems like torture enough. And in my utter selfishness I want nothing more than that--this terrible knowledge.
I am so mad he left me alone. I can't remember a time without him in it and now he'll never know my second child, he'll never have children of his own, he'll never go gray, and he won't be with me when others die.
Of course, no posting for awhile. I have traveling to prepare for and reserves to scrap to the bottom of to find the energy to get through the next few days.
Now I can say, yes I do understand. I know grief and loss and a sadness that usurps any other. I should have been more thankful of my ignorance.
Autumn, I don't know what to say except I am so sorry for your loss. You have reminded me to be thankful for my ignorance of big grief. From my understanding from friends who have suffered great loss, it never goes away it just changes. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Autumn, I can't be close to you or your family but am grieving for my son, Joey's loss, as well as yours. I know there's nothing that I can do to ease this pain, but hope you can garner some strength and peace in the love, prayers, thoughts, condolences, memories, and energy in people's care and concern and in the bonds of family and friends. Today, I'm trying to celebrate the things I know of your brother and his life.I will be thinking of you all.
Thank you for you kind words!