Recently in college Category

St. Paddy's day

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There is something about St. Paddy's Day that causes me to be a real bitch. I suppose it is a mixture of the smell of beer breath and my own love of hanging out on the fringes of crowds alone. Last night I took the bus down, tired and cranky, and examined the drunks. Some girl was talking too loud in my ear and she stank. I eventually walked downtown to get pizza. I wove my way trough crowds and was enjoying being alone in them. But on my way back and man, like a blur with beard, set a small square of paper on my pizza book. Kindly saying, "Here is some reading to go with your pizza" The square of paper proudly proclaims "GOD WANTS YOU" SO I read it while sloshing through snow and drunks. By this time I am weepy, not because of God, but because I am so angry and was rude to Jason and I can't pin point why. I see an old guy huddled near the corner by NBT. He is clutching papers in his bare hands and watching the groups of loud kids go past. I turn and backtrack and say "What do you have there" His relief fills his face. Some of his teeth are missing and one is long like a fang and tipped in blue. He notices I already have a paper from God and gives me a different one. He asks where I am from. I tell him where and say "I am questioning my faith in things" and he tells me "That is nice" He is awkward and his voice is sweet. I take his papers and flee up the street my thoughts rolling. Old men who seem as foolish as my father freezing in the cold in attempts to help the souls of collage students drowning in booze on a day that no longer is recognizable as a religious holiday. There pathetic actions are so horribly heroic to me that I just begin to bawl. Later I knelt in the snow and asked "Why is it only silent?"

I did not have a religious change of heart I just hate the way things can be. I can't meld myself into those crowds. I don't enjoy drowning myself with a fogged brain for any sort of mass collage celebration of ones ability to become stupider. And besides, beer smells too much like my father. My thought in the dark reel back and back and I become angry and hurtful.

But that had passed now. I just want to go to work and relax. Because no one knows me there and I can loose my thought in manual labor.

Another college day

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It's gray blue outside, and it's snowing. It snows off and on all day here. It's to early for me to be awake. My eyes are still dreaming.


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I know the sound my shoes make crushing melting snow.
I know that the cold on my face makes me think of that awkward first kiss.

Thanksgiving break

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Back to College
Thanksgiving break was extremely interesting to say the least.

Tuesday night I was all excited to go home. Snowing all day. I always feel so content when it snows and I am inside, nice and warm. Got home. My little brother actually gave me a hug. Saw mom and Kevin and instantly began getting teased about Jason. Okay, anyone who knows me well knows I love to tease others. I hate being teased, at least about Jason anyway.

So I told my mother I was going to go vomit and had chosen to become a lesbian.

Wednesday, picked up Jason too damn early in the morning for me to be my happy self. (har dee har har) It was hell in a way, because all I wanted to do was hug him for a long long time and get myself some of his nice lips, but of course I wasn't about to do that in front of my mom.

I was extremely happy when I got some Jason and Karen time. My two favorite people in the world both on a trampoline or playing uno, or just talking (picking on Jason) was the best.

Seeing Amanda (someone who was a very close best friend, and then a enemy of sorts (for the past three years) who I just newly made up with, was strange, but cool.

Saw Luna and she gave me a big hug, which was a bit strange too, but cool as well.

Harry Potter movie rocked. When is the next one coming out? What about the next book????

Thursday was with the family. Of which I felt dumb dragging a boy around, since what I usually (ALWAYS) have on me is a book. ( a boy is much more pleasant..oh yes) I got beat up by my three year old cousin, David, who is cute as hell and possessed by the devil. Also he is in love with me. When he isn't biting me, pulling my hair, or punching me, he is so sweet. Unfortunately the child goes into fits of growing and speaking in tongues. At one point (while he was fighting with my mother) I called out a line from Austin powers, which my mother repeated. It was quite fitting. "the power of Christ compels you!" The boy disliked Jason. It was apparent when he punched Jason is the face. also when he left a mark from biting Jason. At one point (my taller than anyone else in my family by a whole hell of a lot boyfriend) lifted the rabid cousin 'o mine up under his arms. The child kicked like crazy. This same demon cried when he had to leave and I was out taking a walk. He claimed "autumn doesn't love me anymore" I need an old priest and a young priest!!! A little help here people...

Friday was a Jason and I day. Just hung out (I know I wished my family would LEAVE!) I wanted to run around the house in just
my underwear and scream. No fair...I never get to have any fun...

Saw Heather that night. Played the longest never ending game of uno possible.

Saturday, dropped Jason back off. Started slipping into a "I dislike my family immensely mood.(which I have not fully escaped from and haven't really felt for about three years now)

Autumn gets a man, everyone torments her. Autumn is no longer Autumn for some strange reason but some stupid girl. No one can just be happy for Autumn. Everyone has to bitch. Never said one nice thing. Autumn,after a long talk with Erin, wants to move to Montana.

Overall, I miss Jason and want him here, so then I don't slip into apathy and pass each day just like the one before. Well, some day I'll get what I want. I can wait. The people who don't understand can go straight to hell, or more likely kiss my hot ass when I say "I told you so" after all my simple dreams come true.

By the way..
I didn't become a lesbian.

Before bed thoughts

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Things are so up in the air right now. I wish it was clear when things would fall into place. Oh well. I'm still a happy little college girl. Flying through the work. Happily awaiting Christmas break when i can see how it feels to slip back into something that already seems ancient. Five months since I lived at home for any extended period of time. I miss it sometimes, but as it draws closer to going back I fear it. The place seems like a scene to some horror movie.

Now Jason may go there? To good 'ol Pine Bush. Such a simple town that holds so much of what was. I'm sure we'll have a blast.

I feel so different. I feel like I'll be walking into my home as a stranger, tempting a ghost of myself to settle inside me and go slowly mad, like I always went slowly mad in my dark, small, chill room.

Where I used to sit with my feet up on my blue directors chair. One blanket over my lap, the other over my shoulders, freezing in the dark. I'd type away at that crappy computer for hours, and go to bed filled with crazy feelings, pressing frozen fingers in tight fists to my chest.

So much has changed in so little a move. Something vital. For once i feel my future in real and not just some fantasy I play out to put myself to sleep. I can do this. I can make this happen. We can, right?

I'm suspended in a shell, safe, warm, not here not there.
When will I break free?

My life

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It snowed last night. A blizzard. I've never seen snow before my birthday. Why is the first snow always so amazing?


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I can't wait to go home and sleep in my own bed, and eat mom's food.

Have so much work to do. Have to study my ass off.

I love my new friends! So funny..

Oh yeah and bye the way I love Jason. Now I just have to learn to say it out loud too. *_*

I'm going to learn to fly someday, I most certainly am.

More on 9/11

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Why I dislike the thought of Revenge
Just to clarify for those that think me less then human/and or incapable of adult thought.

The vigil took place outside the libary. People filled up the entire square. I heard prayers. i heard people wailing. Crying and holding each other. The part that hurt the most was when someone, just one voice, began singing a song about America, and others joined it.

Why is revenge wrong to me. Only to ME. Because if we make a violent attack towards another country, people will be crying like this. They won't be Americans. The won't speak my tongue, or even look like me. The fact is they will be crying because they are scared, they are hurt, they are angry. And because I do not want anyone to feel these things I do not support violent action towards another country. I do not support war. I do not believe in doing to others what was done to us. Because their "symbolic" action towards our government hurt innocent people that likely had nothing to do with whatever pissed these people off. Our "actions" will be much the same. Hurting those that had nothing to do with this. That is my reason and logic behind the statements that offended others. I didn't mean to get people so pissed off.

If you want to tear apart the man in charge, those that were the cause of this, go right ahead. The reason I'm not pro- "blow another country up" is because I am ANTI "Killing innocent people" Mainly children for example.

I'm not saying my feelings are right. It is simply the way I feel.

College girl adventures

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Ramen noodles. The debate goes on. Is it RAY-MAN orrrrrrrrrr RAH-MYUN. It is so RAH-MYUN. I have a Korean friend. I should know!

Early morning

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and I can hear the Sunday church bells. It sounds like a giant music box in the valley


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