There is something about St. Paddy's Day that
causes me to be a real bitch. I suppose it is a mixture of the smell of beer
breath and my own love of hanging out on the fringes of crowds alone. Last night
I took the bus down, tired and cranky, and examined the drunks. Some girl was
talking too loud in my ear and she stank. I eventually walked downtown to get
pizza. I wove my way trough crowds and was enjoying being alone in them. But on
my way back and man, like a blur with beard, set a small square of paper on my
pizza book. Kindly saying, "Here is some reading to go with your pizza" The
square of paper proudly proclaims "GOD WANTS YOU" SO I read it while sloshing
through snow and drunks. By this time I am weepy, not because of God, but
because I am so angry and was rude to Jason and I can't pin point why. I see an
old guy huddled near the corner by NBT. He is clutching papers in his bare hands
and watching the groups of loud kids go past. I turn and backtrack and say "What
do you have there" His relief fills his face. Some of his teeth are missing and
one is long like a fang and tipped in blue. He notices I already have a paper
from God and gives me a different one. He asks where I am from. I tell him where
and say "I am questioning my faith in things" and he tells me "That is nice" He
is awkward and his voice is sweet. I take his papers and flee up the street my
thoughts rolling. Old men who seem as foolish as my father freezing in the cold
in attempts to help the souls of collage students drowning in booze on a day
that no longer is recognizable as a religious holiday. There pathetic actions
are so horribly heroic to me that I just begin to bawl. Later I knelt in the
snow and asked "Why is it only silent?"
I did not have a religious change of heart I just hate the way things can be. I can't meld myself into those crowds. I don't enjoy drowning myself with a fogged brain for any sort of mass collage celebration of ones ability to become stupider. And besides, beer smells too much like my father. My thought in the dark reel back and back and I become angry and hurtful.
But that had passed now. I just want to go to work and relax. Because no one knows me there and I can loose my thought in manual labor.
I did not have a religious change of heart I just hate the way things can be. I can't meld myself into those crowds. I don't enjoy drowning myself with a fogged brain for any sort of mass collage celebration of ones ability to become stupider. And besides, beer smells too much like my father. My thought in the dark reel back and back and I become angry and hurtful.
But that had passed now. I just want to go to work and relax. Because no one knows me there and I can loose my thought in manual labor.
