Recently in family Category

My birth control is driving me crazy

By Autumn on January 26, 2012 9:41 PM | Talk to me

Just like what I experienced with River, my birth control is starting to drive me crazy. It seems POPs (progesterone only birth control) only works well for me as my children nurse consistently. As they age, and nurse less, my cycle is insanely inconsistent. Before Sage, I would skip periods for a couple months here, three months there. But the worse side effect that drove Jason to toss my birth control out for me (and led to Sage being created long before we planned on having another child) was repeated mild yeast infections caused by the pill. Thanks be, that hasn't started happening again...yet.

In fact, this time around I'm having more periods instead of less. My last This past month had my period for four days and then eight days later I-HAD-IT-AGAIN for another four days. I suppose I shouldn't complain too much. I have no cramps or extreme mood swings. My period is light. But the ninja period is annoying. It just pops out from nowhere, gives me jazz hands and says "Here I am again! Already! Aren't you glad to see me?!"

For breastfeeding moms, birth control options are limited. The only oral birth control I can take is the kind I take right now. One without estrogen--which can cross through my milk. I could have an IUD put in--but like the ability to control my birth control myself. Not to mention the side effects of uterine embedding or perforation scare the hell out of me.

Jason finally agreed that a third child could possibly be in our future. I'm not 100% on this, but am glad he is open to the idea. He wants to wait closer to four years between Sage and an additional child. My ideal is a child February of 2014 through May 2014. (March being the absolute best!) River would be well establish in Kindergarten and six years old. Sage would be three and a half years or more in age. I''d be 31 years old. Older than I ever imagined myself being when having a child, but by no means too old.

(Originally, I wanted a September--November baby so I'd have a better chance of reusing seasonally appropriate clothes from the first two and because I so enjoyed the seasons with my pregnancy with Sage. But, River will be starting kindergarten and I don't want to be exhausted during that transition. Plus, he'll be bringing home all the Kindergarten germs. So spring baby it is. I can lament my postpartum-not-suited-for-a-bikini body for one summer and deal with a small infant in heat, near a pool, and in the sun if need be.)

So I am looking at birth control for, at least, another year and a half.

To try to chug my way through another year and a half of "the ninja" I am cutting soy out of my diet. Every-single-time I order a soy latte, I get my period. Even if I just had my period. So either this pill, which has high instances of breakthrough bleeding, is made worse by hormone influencing soy or I'm seeing coincidences where there are none. I also need to set my new phone to ring at 7:00PM each night like I used too. Now I take my pill inconsistently within the three hours "protective" window. Maybe this is leading to ninja periods.

I mean, it could be worse. I could have a face full of zits, excessive weight gain, hair loss, blood clots, mood swings....

I guess it is well worth the negative symptoms to control the biological tides of my own body. I'll tell you what. I don't have the energy to commit to growing new life right now and I'll be a better mother if I can pace the needs of my children to my ability to give them the time they deserve from me. I marvel at those moms who pop out there babies like a row of dominoes.

Bam! Bam! Bam!

I marvel, but I don't envy.

Thanks be for birth control. How women survived without it...I have no idea.

Being present

By Autumn on January 19, 2012 4:53 PM | Talk to me

I have a new bit of wisdom to add to my mantra. To the patchwork of words that see me through the toughest times in my life, help me embrace the simple things, and be content with what is.

It is attempting to live in the present. It is something I hear about it yoga. To let go of the past and stop worrying over the future (both so hard at times) and to live in now. As each thought comes, acknowledge it but don't judge. Judgments is so often negative. Think about it.

I shouldn't think that.

I wish it wasn't that way.

That's wrong.

Guilt.

Shame.

Pride.

Let go.

Yes, sometimes I think outrageous things, cruel things, plain wrong things, self-depreciating things, useless things I can't change (but wish I could), angry things, unfair things....

But those are just thoughts.

Give them a nod,

MOVE ON.

It is what we do that makes us who we are. Not what we think.

What can you do in this moment?

Hug your child.

Thank your spouse.

Smile?

Be thankful?

Be present in the moment.

January is the doldrums. It also has a malevolent feeling to me. It seems like so many people lost a loved one this month. It seems like the dark is heavy and violent. The evening slinks up and sinks in with its teeth.

Today the baby threw many mini tantrums about things I can't help her with. Angry crying. She likes to hit. River cried the entire walk outside. Set off by Jason and I refusing to carry the book that River insisted he would bring. I held his hand and occasionally rubbed his fingers. He fought us on everything.

I don't want to go that way, I want to go this way!

I want to go down the stairs, not down the hill!

And tears and tears. Tears because I insisted he ask politely and not whine/demand. Tears because he still had the book. Tears and tears. I let him cry and just held his hand. When we got in I sent him to lay in his bed and wait. I climbed in beside him and read him a book until I heard a loud rattle-bang followed by frightened, pained cries. Sage had pulled the baby gate down onto herself. I was out with her in my arms and when I tried to set her down she cried harder.

So into the rocking chair. Sage nursing, River squished in on the free leg. I read a long book to him. They swapped places on my lap and I read some more. I could feel them relaxing in my touch and our shared closeness. I didn't resent their need, I understood it. I gave and gave and gave.

Today, I was present.

The doldrums

By Autumn on January 10, 2012 5:29 PM | Talk to me

We've entered the doldrums.

Otherwise known as, the long lingering months of winter, post holidays, that makes laying on the floor in a spot of sun about the only thing I have energy to do. It's not that bad ~~yet~~ this year. But I still feel a bit aimless. I'm starting to crave heat, and sun, and long stretches of hours outside in the grass.

And it's only January.

A mild January at that.

A January that had us hiking along a river comfortably only last weekend.

So, what am I complaining about?

I have plenty to fill my plate this week. Preschool, book club hosting, visits from family this weekend (a three day weekend).

I guess today was just a lay in a spot of sun cuddling the kids kind of day.

And even though we are inside more than I'd like, we find ways to fill our hours. Like the reading chair. Sage is really enjoying books lately and speaking new words left and right.

Dragging kids in laundry baskets is a good work out for Daddy. Mommy should take over since packing winter carbs and gaining my ten pounds of winter weight is part of my year already.

But sometimes laying around is just what winter is all about.

A year or seven ago

By Autumn on January 3, 2012 8:32 PM | Talk to me

This video was taken one year ago today.

How much our girl has grown and how much our boy who got three shots today and was the bravest little kid I've seen in the face of multiple needles. I distinctly remember screaming and flailing and being pinned down in my long ago youth.

Seven years ago today, Jason and I made our whole eloping thing official in a small secret ceremony so we could keep our car insurance. The only reason I remembered (around 5:00pm) was because I was cleaning my dresser. This included reorganizing my jewelry. I found the locket my mother bought me with the "wedding" date. I guess it is a good thing she gifted me this sentimental jewelry on an otherwise utterly unsentimental day since it helped me remember. I yelled Jason's name and then said, "Guess what? It's our anniversary today. I remembered this year!" Then we argued over how long we've been married. I remembered the year. Jason did the math. Seven years officially married. Fuck marriage. We're been a unit since 2001. You see why I always forget?

Friday in photos: Christmas time in the country

By Autumn on December 30, 2011 2:09 PM | Talk to me

Check out River wearing the same pajamas on his second Christmas morning back in 2008.

Our Halloween

By Autumn on November 3, 2011 3:06 PM | Talk to me

We got together with Heather again this year for our traditional pumpkin carving after dinner. Last year Sage was asleep already, so this was her first pumpkin. Unlike her brother who has been repulsed by pumpkin guts each and every year, Sage had no problem getting up close and personal with the innards of this over-sized gourd.

With a break for bath time for the little girl, we missed the bulk of the actual carving. We returned to say goodnight and get our yearly photo post-carving. How much River has grown!

Pumpkin carving, 2009

Pumpkin carving, 2010

We actually did our Trick or Treating on Sunday afternoon in the same local community we went last year. Only this year it didn't actually fall on Halloween which, at this point, is fine. A Sunday is far less hectic and taking the children out earlier at 4:00 than waiting for night fall on Halloween, works better for our early to bed and early to rise little ones.

I don't have time to be a crafty parent for Halloween. My excess mom time goes towards homeschooling River. Plus, I can think of better ways to spend our money. How about all those medical bills for our two months of endless sickness?

So, thrify Halloween it is. River used his Captain America costume again--which was purchased back in August for the Baltimore Comic Con and he knew he'd be using it again for Halloween. Sage wore River's old costume because she could care less at this point what she is dressed as.

River had to be bribed with candy to continue Trick or Treating. There is a time in the middle of our walk when he flat out refused to go up to anyone and get his candy.

River in 2008 wearing a lot of layers under that costume since upstate New York tends to be frigid by Halloween.

Jason took huge advantage of Sage by forcing her to go up to each person and take candy in her bucket....for him! Not that she didn't enjoy the child labor.

Altogether, I froze and wanted to go home but the children had a great time. And isn't that what these holidays are all about? I'll give myself a pat of the back for jumping this parental hurdle for the year. Now it's a full out run to Christmas and I still haven't started shopping!

And, holy shit, this little boy is going to be four in a month and change. I need to go order some birthday invitations!

Two years ago

By Autumn on September 23, 2011 2:16 PM | Talk to me

It was two years ago that I last saw this field full of flowers. Before I was pregnant with Sage. Before River's second birthday. Two years went by so quickly and now I have another baby playing in the flowers.

I'm counting my many blessings.

Plans gone to the wind

By Autumn on September 20, 2011 10:06 AM | Talk to me

Saturday we had plans to go out to brunch downtown. I have a coupon on it way towards expiration. Having Daddy home makes it a~~bout a billion times~~ quite a bit harder to get out the door when I want to. See, I get up with the kids around their usual wake up time (6:30 give or take) and he lounges in bed with Babette-cat while I go about our typical week day routine of morning chores, breakfast, books, etc. (He sometimes does let me sleep in--if I insist--or if the baby is still snoozing when River awakes) I don't let him sleep in too much (8:30 or so) since we need to get washed up and I have to get Sage down for a nap. Still, it somehow ends up that Sage is down later than usual and Jason still isn't washed up or dressed. So why bother going out now? It's almost lunch time and the place closes at 1:00.

It wasn't a total wash due to the boobonnic plague going on over here. Sage was crabby from her vaccinations and had come down with a slight case of thrush which infected my boob. First sore and itchy nipples (the latter easily treated by a yeast fighting cream the doctor prescribed) but the sore that developed at the base of my right nipple was another type of beast. The type that broke open and yawned into a pit the size of a sesame seed. Now I've dealt with the peeling, cracking and bleeding that accompanies a newborn trying to figure out the right way to eat without gnawing off your nipple. It was nothing a little lanolin and time didn't mend. I've also dealt with the teeth gnashing dagger stabs of a toddler latching onto tender pregnancy nips that eventually fades into typical nursing. What I was not prepared for was the horror of having a child suck around a raw, infected wound. Pain so bad I found myself gripping the baby like a football and hissing between my teeth. Holy hell, I thought, trying not to weep. She's going to suck off my nipple!

That apple picking on Sunday? Nah, how about I just stay home and air out of infection? Fun and more fun! One boob hanging out doing its damdest to scab and mend until, engorged with milk, it must go to the baby's mouth like a sacrificial lamb. As recommended at Kellymom, I've been using a saline soak after each feeding and then covering the wound with polysporin, plus still treating each side with a cream for Thursh. So even in the middle of the night, there I am holding a ceramic cup filled with salt water up to my breast and counting 60 seconds while huddled on the toilet whimpering at the post-nursing pain. I was getting so concerned at the pus and pain that I vowed to call the doctor first thing Monday morning only to wake up with a wound that looking like it was on the mend. That is, until it was feeding time again and time to band-aid the monster before venturing out into public. Now, it looks worse but still better than it was. I think any wound that gets human slob in it and sucked on, will take a lot of time to heal around all that germy abuse.

It almost funny how here I am boo-hooing the smallest of boo boos upon on nipple. But I woke up from a nightmare of Thursh infecting me like the byrum from Stephen King's Dreamcatcher. An alien fungus creeping out of my breasts and up to my neck. Sprouting in the corners of my eyes and tangled in my hair.

This is so very very not fun.

Also, pulling a band-aid off my nip-- still not fun.

The things I've lived through for these babies of mine. Hemmeroids and Mastisis, stitches in my nethers and daily vomiting. Motherhood needs a Surgeon General warning just like a pack of cancer causing cigarettes.

The wound watch continues with a new vow to go to the doctor tomorrow if it isn't better by the end of the day.

Family weekends

By Autumn on September 10, 2011 7:20 PM | Talk to me

We went on another trip to the zoo for the first sunny day in a week. It just doesn't get old. Visiting the animals is like saying hello to old friends of ours. Especially the baby elephant, Samson, who is only a few months younger than River. This was Sage's first trip when she actually showed some interest in the animals and could walk about. We took our time and covered all the sections but the arctic animals. We weren't in a rush to leave. The weather began to cool as it got closer to closing. We walked the long way instead of taking the tram. It was that leisurely, free type of family activity when no one is aggravated at the end. When Jason and I mesh as a parenting team and I can remind myself that I did indeed go and have babies with my best friend. We're on the same page. We're rocking the parenting thing. Even a tantrum from River couldn't slow us down today.

Honestly, more and more days are like this lately. I feel like I am getting myself back, my lover back, my best friend back. Bryan's death, pregnancy and birth really took it out of me for awhile. They knocked me on my ass and drove a wedge between Jason and I. It's funny how the addition of another child makes us feel like a 'real' family.

She enjoyed the curry comb on her hand (because my girl loves bracelets) better than the goats.

We go to the zoo a lot but not so often with Jason. It's wonderful to get Daddy days at the zoo. To slow it down a bit so Daddy can enjoy it. To see him have fun visiting all the animals too. It's nice to have him helping me. I trust him to work with me, to care for our children as much as I do. It's like two pieces on a puzzle fitting together. The same exact sensation I had the first day we met when we went roller skating and it just worked without words. As if Jason had always been there holding my hand while we skated in loops around and around. Or maybe, it's more like Jason is often the missing piece to our day-to-day and everything is better when we're all together.

The following photos are by River.

At one point we sat by the chimps and Jason made a comment about how he felt like such a Dad. I blamed it on having two. When you have one, it's so new. You focus so much attention on every scrap from a sudden fall. With two, you're working it. You're juggling the children like a clown juggles balls. We're like "Eh, you'll be okay," after Sage falls flat on her face.

But perhapes the best moment was a glimmer of hope. When I said, "I just really want another child some day." and Jason said, "Me too". When he admited that seeing any baby makes him want another, but that it's just his practical side that screams, "Hell no!". That he'd want to at least be making more money before we had another, but that he would like one--practicalities aside.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring or a year from now or the year after that. We're happy in this moment.

When I met this man on a bus stop, almost TEN YEARS AGO, I knew I'd have his babies. I knew we'd be happily ever after. I just knew.

Can I tell myself, 'I told you so?'

Taking healthy eating a step further

By Autumn on September 6, 2011 10:51 AM | Talk to me

Thank you, Gordon Ramsey, for inspiring my husband to cook fresh, mostly organic meals. This past week he's made a curried pork chop using apricots along with a peanut sauce inspired rice, a rabbit strew, from scratch cinnamon-raisin bread, spinach stuffed ravioli with homemade red pepper spaghetti sauce and a couple peach crisps. He's single-handily used up all the produce from our farm share. I always knew my man could cook (and well) but never this often. That being said it takes a lot of time, makes a lot of dishes, and probably ends up costing a bit more money to eat fresher, healthier foods. Though it does taste better, is better for us, and involves teamwork.

Here are our newest food goals and how we are going about them (one baby step at a time).

1. Provide local, organic, grass-fed, antibody and growth hormone free (whew) milk for our kids.

There is no way around it. This kind of milk is hands-down, more expensive than than store milk. As per a review by Rachel over at her website, we are having our milk (and eggs!) delivered by South Mountain Creamery. To off set delivery costs, we are only going to be getting our delivery once a month. I ordered small this time around to get a better idea of how much milk and eggs we will go through in this time.

2. Eat fresher, when possible--organic, meat (I'd prefer it organic 100% of the time, but right now price rules that out. Also, being vegetarian is not a option for my husband)

Jason found a local butcher. The animals are slaughtered there and sold in the front. Meat is fresher and cheaper than the local super market. Plus, less shipping means less use of fossil fuels. A better choice, not the best, but better. (Remember, baby steps)

3. No more processed foods!

This is a slow process, let me tell you. Expecially the ceareal bit for River, but we've slowly improving.

4. No more dirty dozen.

Check that out, here.

5. The kids eat what we eat for dinner, no exceptions.

This is turning out to be nightly tears from River. But with the help of our new infant food mill, Sage is happily chowing down.

We still have a ways to go, but we're on the right track. Doing too much at once, would make me a bit crazy. Still, sometimes I feel overwhelmed by how much more I could still do and how much time what we already are doing takes. What I must remember is that being a more mindful person doesn't happen overnight. It is the will to make change and doing so, not all at once, but doing so at all--period, that truly matters.

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Recently in family Category

My birth control is driving me crazy

Being present

The doldrums

A year or seven ago

Friday in photos: Christmas time in the country

Our Halloween

Two years ago

Plans gone to the wind

Family weekends

Taking healthy eating a step further

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