Recently in Pregnancy Category

38 weeks pregnant

By Autumn on August 26, 2010 9:27 PM | 2 Comments

I'm thinking my belly is much smaller this pregnancy!

I had a midwife appointment on Tuesday and brought River along for once. Mostly because he has had doctor's office induced anxiety in the past and I wanted to warm him up to the idea of mommy receiving medical attention before his visit to the hospital. I was also hoping it would get him excited about the baby and further develop some idea of where (although it won't be there) I would be going when the baby was born and what it would be like.

He still kept asking, "We're not going for me? We're going for you?" as if to be sure I wasn't tricking him with the surprise being a big, painful needle in the thigh.

Once there he was excited. Mainly because the nurses and receptionists were fawning all over him and I'd brought books and toy cars for us to amuse ourselves with as we waited. He was witness to me peeing in a cup and my explanations as to why I had to weren't the best. How do you explain that a nurse has to look at your pee pee? When asked if he had to make a pee pee, he said "I don't want to pee in a cup." I then had to explain that only mommy had to do that.

We went in the room and waited. When I dared to get off the table he got up and led me back. "Mommy, you have to wait there for your check-up." Shesh, okay pushy. I gave him a lollypop and told him to stay seated. He was wonderfully, well behaved. The midwife commented that he spoke extremely well for his age. My response? Yeah, he never stops talking!

River enjoyed going with me so much that he didn't want to leave. I think I will bring he along next week as well.

38 weeks (and 5 days) pregnant with River. Taken while I was IN LABOR. I had retained so much water I could not wear my rings and my toes looked like sausages. None of that so far this pregnancy.

I have two possible midwives that can deliver the baby girl. Usually I see cranky midwife and she's often cranky because of the issues we've had with my insurance. Like it taking six weeks for them to send her my medical records and they failed to send my first ultrasound results, totally sent the second solo, and then failed to send the third. I suspect she thinks I'm not doing the job on my end. Little does she know--or believe--that I make the needed phone calls the day of my appointments with her or the next day--latest. Or the fact that I have started writing everything down since yes, communication with my insurance is shitty. I even had the courtesy to call her office and leave a message telling her where my insurance was ALLOWING me to have my last ultrasound that she requested. I didn't have to do that. She, by the way, never received that message.

*head to wall*

This entire pregnancy, with me as the middleman between two hospitals/offices/professionals has been such a headache. A headache we are paying a $250 deductible for, might I add. Had I stuck with the OB and hospital my insurance wanted me to go to (had I not demanded the referral my insurance offered to see the midwifes at the smaller hospital) it would have been completely covered by my insurance. I feel like I am being punished for daring to go elsewhere.

The other midwife, that I have seen twice, is much nicer. I hope she delivers the baby girl because cranky midwife always makes me feel uneasy. Nice midwife makes me cheerful and positive. Cranky midwife is like, "Well, they might have told you that the baby is fine, but I don't know that--because--I-do-not-have-you-ultrasound-results." Her once very kind smile looks entirely strained every time she walks in the room now.

Great, she must be thinking, the woman with the stupid fucking insurance.

I just feel uneasy picturing someone with a strained smile, barely keeping steam from pouring out her ears, with her hands in my vagina.

"But I left all that information at the place I went to. Your name. The address here. The fax."

"Where is this place?"

(as if I went to some hut in the woods for a supposed "ultrasound")

*I explain*

"I have no idea where that is!"

"Well, that is where I went. That is the only place my insurance would let me go."

"When was this again?"

*I explain* "Look, I will email the OB, give her your fax number again, and ask her to send it over to you just like last time. They must have sent her the results because she had to send the referral"

*a curl of steam escapes the midwife's ear.*

Scary...

* turns out the place I had the ultrasound didn't send out my results to ANYONE. I either have bad luck with shit like this or medical facilities suck.

After that small mess, River was excited to hear his sister's heartbeat. Everything was done pretty quickly. Despite the ultrasound tech's estimate two weeks ago that the baby was about 6.4lbs, the midwife insisted that baby girl is nowhere near the size River was when he was born. (I'd like to believe her, thanks) Even though she should have gained a pound between the ultrasound and today..making her about 7.4 and River was 7.8 at delivery. That seems pretty damn close to me. Which would likely be more accurate? Hands? Machines? Neither? (HANDS! HANDS! HANDS! COME ON 6. SOMETHING POUND BABY!)

Only sour news is I am positive for Strep B-- a bacteria that could be harmful to the baby after birth. Solution, I will have to have iv antibiotics administered during labor. So I should get to the hospital sooner rather than later. It will take about 20 minutes. Not , too too bad. I mean, it's sorta nice to have an excuse to get to the hospital at a reasonable time instead of starting to push out a child fifteen minutes after having been admitted with my amniotic fluid soaked underwear laying on the floor and the camera left in the car...

O, and I gained two pounds putting me at 139 1/2 which is, so far, 19 1/2 pounds gained for this pregnancy. Still way below the awe inspiring FORTY FIVE MOTHERING FUCKING POUNDS of my pregnancy with River.

Feeling much better than last week. Small Braxton Hicks now and again. I don't feel like I will give birth soon because I feel too good. But we'll see. Maybe I just felt like shit my last pregnancy because I was SO INCREDIBLY FAT.

If I deliver the same time as I did with River, I should give birth Monday. I don't think this is likely. I don't know what is likely! Some time soonish surely, but when? Eh, who knows.

Could this be my last weekly pregnancy photo? My gut says, no way. I think I'll get at least one more in!

36 weeks pregnant

By Autumn on August 12, 2010 3:42 PM | Talk to me

Only good news here.

Today I had my "high risk" ultrasound which was done by a kind, gentle woman on an ultrasound that had a projector that showed everything on a screen on the wall. I could see my daughter's head down in my pelvis, her knees pulled up to her chest, and the pockets of fluid around her body.

Her kidneys are still a bit dilated but not anything to be concerned about. Her bladder was wonderfully full of pee. The amniotic fluid was 10 and they want it over 8, so it's fine and should remain fine until delivery. Even though I haven't gained much weight (not a thing in the past two weeks. Seventeen pounds total for my entire pregnancy thus far...) she's doing fine. About 6 pounds and 4 ounces. That puts her in the 49% for weight. If she comes out when her brother did she should actually be a bit bigger than him!

Then the coolest thing happened. They have a 3D ultrasound there and because my ultrasound tech was nice, she used it and took some amazing photos of the baby girl for me to take home. I've never had a 3D ultrasound before. It was amazing. I watched baby girl suck her hand and blink her eyes, I was overwhelmed by how much she looked like River! Maybe that won't prove true when she is out of my body, but from what I could see--it was the same nose, the same shaped face, the same little cheeks. Haunting, that's what it was, and beautiful to watch her moving on that screen.

Baby Girl at 36 weeks sucking on her hand!

Newborn River!

And it won't be long until she is here with us.

I can't wait to see her!

Nesting or Neurosis

By Autumn on August 10, 2010 8:48 PM | Talk to me

I've been working down my list of things to get done before the baby arrives. Slowly, but surely.

True, true--it is still a month to my due date and a due date is an estimate that can swing anywhere from two weeks before to two weeks after. I'm aware of the fact that the baby might not be here until mid-September. But I can't stop the urge to prepare. Especially knowing that River came at 38 weeks and 5 days. I was due December 21st. He arrived quite suddenly on December 9th.

I can also feel in my body that my pregnancy is tapering off. I'm just physically tired, worn out, incapable of moving quickly, clumsy... When rinsing off my dirty feet in the shower after a morning at the park, I slipped, caught myself, but managed to pull my already loosened groin muscles. I'm recovering quickly, but the pain was horrible at first. I can feel my body getting ready. I think this time around, I'll have a better idea of when I am getting close. Not there yet, but I'm getting there.

I have things ready for the baby that need to be ready. I have my hospital bag packed (a lot less than last time and a lot more practical). The hospital is also like ten minutes from our home as opposed to the 40 of last time and it isn't winter during an ice storm. It should be easy for Jason to bring me whatever else I might need that isn't packed.

I have some of River's things packed for his day without us. I can't pack everything because I need some things daily. So packing for him and grabbing last minute things like the camera and phone charger are written up to remind me to do during early labor.

miscellaneous baby items on prepared changing pad with cloth wipes ready for wipe solution/water in Tupperware!

cloth diapera adjusted to newborn size--ready for poop

newborn and 0-3 clothing folded--also ready for poop

diaper pail--aye, another thing ready for poop

organized girl baby clothing tower of doom 3-18 months!

A couple friends were nice enough to donate towards the girly cause. I bought an extra container for Newborn-3 month clothing and sorted the rest by size so I can return/pass them along when I get done with them! Need another container, eventually, to replace the bottom box. The top box is all bagged winter stuff and bibs, bibs, and still more bibs.

hospital bag!

What am I bringing this time?

2 pairs of loose comfy, black pants (blood stain proof!)

1 pair of loose cloth shorts

2 pairs of ratty old underwear

1 pair of nursing pads

1 nursing bra

2 built in bra, old tank-tops

1 ratty old maternity t-shirt

(bring on the blood!)

1 pair of loose comfy pants for Jason

(Last time River crapped all over Jason's pants soon after birth and then he had to wear my extra pants. Was amusing...)

1 t-shirt for Jason

1 pair of briefs

1 pair of socks

3 different going home outfits for the baby (I don't know which one I want or which will actually fit...!)

1 light receiving blanket

pacifiers

1 small bag of basic bathroom things

Certain things I am making myself hold off on. Like...er..making Jason install the car seat. It makes sense to wait till I am at least full term to have him do that. I mean, it wouldn't be good if the baby arrived say...tomorrow! It shouldn't happen. (I really wish it was in there right this second!)

Also, there is no reason to put up the co-sleeper until the baby is here. It will just get in the way during one of my many nightly trips to the bathroom. So it must wait. (Really?) Yes, it must. (But....) Shut up, self!

Two weeks potty training and thirty five weeks along

By Autumn on August 5, 2010 8:57 AM | 1 Comment

After two plus weeks of potty training I can say that River is pretty much potty trained at home. ~~He hasn't had an accident at home since last Wednesday~~ I spoke too soon. Right after I wrote this, after he woke up from his nap, he said he had to pee, went to go pick out a book, and just let loose on the carpet--GAH. I haven't been pushing trying to go because for days upon days he's just been doing it himself. Learned my lesson. Yes, I did.

I've stopped dragging the potty around from room to room and instead have one in his bedroom, one in the living room and both toilets set up for him to use. Recently, I just started having him wear underwear at home. He's pretty good about pulling them down by himself, though I usually rush over to help him if I see him tugging at them. So far~~, no further accidents in underwear~~ ~~one~~ two accidents in his underwear. Still, better than he was doing. It might be because I went out and bought some training underwear that are a good deal looser. So perhaps they don't feel so much like diapers as his other set of underwear do? Maybe he is just better at acknowledging the cues his body is giving him?

I still do have him try. I have him try in the morning, before nap, (must reinstate after nap after today's mishap), before we leave the house, when we return, before bath and before bed. He can make himself pee sometimes. Which is really quite amazing to me to see this concentrated effort on his face and a flow of urine that makes us both smile. Yes, this is what I have been reduced to. A woman so fixated of the accomplishments of my child's blossoming bowl and bladder control she blogs about it.

So, River rarely announces that he has to go. Instead, he just goes and I either catch him going or he tells me after the fact. I think he does better at home because he's not distracted by everything going on around him. That being said he's a stubborn little bug, much like his mother. No seriously. I prefer to do things by myself. I don't like to ask for help. He is just the same way. I try to encourage him to try and he gets very angry because he doesn't have to pee. He doesn't! He knows it now! Trying is no longer novel or fun. Trying is me bothering him. He can go to the bathroom by himself, thank you very much. NOW BUG OFF MOM.

So I guess we will stick with set "try times" and letting him just go to it solo throughout the rest of the day. I often ask and remind him that it's been awhile since he went, maybe he would like to try? I can practically see the steam beginning to curl out from his ears if I ask too many times. In this way I can say he's just like his father.

Not that everything is easy over here in potty training world. Yes, River went poop is his potty an amazing three times in a row. Announcing it to me each time as I was scrubbing the bathtub and running around with a dirty crack until I grabbed some wipes. But he also got some of it on his books, didn't tell me, covered it with more books, and smeared it around in doing so. So when I finally got around to cleaning his room--lo and behold--there was little boy feces all over several books. Library books...

So several books went with me to the sink. And several books were laboriously wiped, scrubbed and sanitized. Thankfully, they were all hardcover and poo was only on the covers.

I am seriously wondering where the blog entries are out there on the trials of potty training kids or the blog with the clever title "The Potty Training Dairies" or "Confessions of a Potty Training Mother" or "Adventures in Potty Training Land." I feel like I need some moral support over here. Some stories of diarrhea in a public bathroom or a pee puddle in the middle of story time.

Or maybe just someone to sympathize with the body exploration that goes along with all the potty training nudity. Like that my kid announced that he had put a sticker on his penis and yes, he did. He did....

But to look on the bright side, for two plus weeks River is doing amazingly well potty training....

at home anyway...

While we are out and about is another story. I make him try when we get somewhere and about every thirty minutes to an hour once we are there and then before we leave. It depends on when he last went. For quick trips (2-3 hours) he always stays dry, has never once told me he has to go, and will only try with the bribery of jelly beans. I guess the practice is good although I feel like we are getting nowhere.

Play dates, longer excursions that bump into nap time, or too many people around and he is pissing in his underwear without warning and running on to do whatever he was doing with pee streams down his leg. He's only on his A-game when he can concentrate and isn't tired.

That being said, this kid has a iron bladder. In two weeks time he's gone from peeing everywhere (pee practically falling out of his body constantly) to holding it for huge time blocks. Yesterday he peed at 8:00 and didn't go again until 1:00. What the hell? Maybe I'm just impressed because I pee every ten minutes.... Is it okay to be jealous of my son's bladder or is that just weird?

Most nights River even stays dry. Still, there is no pattern. No predictability to potty training. Nothing certain.

It drives me a little nutty.

I think I just need to embrace the fact that I have no control in this situation. I can ask. I can encourage and praise but it probably won't work for while. I can haul around two huge bags worth of "just-in-case" supplies but I can't make the kid do anything he doesn't want to. Accidents have and will continue to happen. He's been in diapers closer to three years than two and I keep reminding myself we're only been doing this for two weeks. Although he's made incredible advances, he still has a lot to learn.

Still, I can't wait for that moment when he looks at me in public and says he has to pee and then we make it to the nearest toilet and he goes. I think I might cry once we get over that mountain. My flow of tears matching his astounding flow of urine into a toilet. Because it is wow inspiring to me. Yet another one of those weird things about being a parent.

So my main job, for now, is to stop stressing that something I do or don't do will make this potty training thing reverse back to stage zero.

I just chant my personal mantra, "He will be potty trained before kindergarten. He will. He will. Or...at least before he's sixteen or the poor kid will never get laid."

Now for a change of subject...

BAM! So intensely huge it's like a poke in the eye! Did I blind you?

As far as pregnancy goes, not much different. I'm tired often and my body hurts. I wake up about every two hours and sometimes have trouble falling back asleep. I've been nesting like crazy and trying to tell myself to slow down and enjoy this, the last of what could be my very last pregnancy.

Still all the newborn diapers are ready. The baby clothes are organized. Now to just pack my hospital bag....

My groin muscles are often sore as everything relaxes in preparation for labor. I have more cramps now and then, especially when I push myself--though I can't call it Braxton Hicks as it's like a singular cramp here and then two days later, another.

My baby gut is huge. Hugly, hugly, huge.

The pregnancy heat flashes are the worse. I don't recall those with River. With River, twenty pounds heavier, I was just always hot. Also, it was late fall and although it was a bit odd to walk around outside in a tank-top while everyone else had jackets, hats and scarves--it was doable.

This pregnancy I suddenly break out in sweat and feel like I am so hot I can barely breathe. Thank you pregnancy, for giving me a little foreshadowing of one of the joys of menopause.

I sleep with two fans blowing on me in as little clothing as possible. So when the power went out last night, I woke up drenched in sweat and had to leave the bedroom to moan and complain on the living room couch with several pairs of cat eyes regarding me in the dark and then cat bodies trying to sooth me. But it was hot! So hot! Maybe I needed a cold shower? My head in the freezer? GET OFF ME FURRY FELINES!

Then the power came back on and I debated the wisdom of kissing the humming fans.

It's almost over but the weeks seem to drag. I can't wait for it to end and to meet my new baby. Still, enjoy it. Enjoy it, I tell myself. Even enjoy the sweat. Because this might be it. This might be the last time you look like your swallowed a watermelon... *sad*

A baby shower or maybe more of a baby sprinkle

By Autumn on August 2, 2010 4:56 PM | Talk to me

A friend of mine here in Baltimore offered to throw me a baby shower. I was pleasantly surprised. I thought you didn't get a shower for a second baby, but I guess I was mistaken. Miss Manners herself said it is okay if you:

1. are having a baby of different gender than the first

2. have a large gap between children.

And I think there should be a third option here:

3. Know someone who wants to throw you a second baby shower

It's also particularly special because compared to New York, I don't have too many friends yet in these here parts and zero family. So I certainty didn't expect anything like this.

It was perfect--planned at a time between naps with toddlers present and no stupid, lame games. Simple, small and pink! (the pink thing has really grown on me. I'm a convert.)

It's about tripled my excitement about meeting baby girl and made the whole impending second motherhood much more real to me.

I remembered my last baby shower where everything was blue and my mother's home was filled with family members and different group of friends entirely. Packed, you could say, to the gills. It was October 28th. Men were also present, including Jason. There was a towering pile of presents because we had nothing then and thought we needed it all and then some. I had no idea how soon I'd have my River. How useless some of the things I thought I had to have would be and how useful things I didn't.

This baby shower I had toddlers helping me open gifts while I sat on the floor because we were all sitting on the floor watching the children play. I went through a modest, but more endearing little gathering of gifts. Nothing I had to have or thought I had to have. All unexpected and unnecessary. It felt more special that way.

The food was a light, healthy brunch with amazing homemade cupcakes that just thinking about gives me a shiver. They were, hands-down, the best cupcakes I ever tasted. I treated myself with coffee and then tea. Everything was simply adorable, laid back, and comfortable. It was perfect for me. I love a party but I don't like a big deal made in my honor. I like intimate groups of people because crowds make me a bit nutty. In every way, this event was me.

I have to bask in a feeling of being blessed. Blessed in the new friends I've made, the old friend who still is there, my mother who traveled down from New York to be there (as she always does for just about everything--because), and the family of and the amazing hostess herself that gave me this precious gift--a memory--when she didn't have to.

My son peed his pants twice and got poo on her patio in a rush for his potty and she just shrugged it off as nothing. Between that and her cupcakes, I think she's really something. Add that my kid and her kid ended the party covered in mud, naked and I wonder how I deserve such goodness from others, how I became so lucky, and how I can possibly repay the many kindnesses given to me.

Let me tell you, life is good.

Thank you for this day and thanks to all who came. If my daughter didn't already have one of the longest names in existence, I'd have to give her many others in honor of the many amazing people I've met, continue to meet, and treasure!

34 weeks and sleeping like a pile of poo

By Autumn on July 29, 2010 9:36 AM | Talk to me

34 weeks

(and just starting to get a Linea negra below my belly button. Had one with River around twenty weeks!)

An unflattering photo of me at 34 weeks with River and at least 20 pounds heavier than I am now!

My energy level has dropped a bit and my guess of the cause is how poorly I tend to sleep. It's as if someone turned the switch for hip pain, a bladder the size of a pee, and running this bitch super hot.

Even with my pregnancy pillow my lower half starts to go numb, especially my lower hip, under the weight of my body. Turning is quite a feat, one that requires me to completely wake up. Then of course, I have to pee. I have to pee about every two hours actually. Sometimes every single hour. I'd complain, but getting up to pee is nothing on getting up to both change a diaper and nurse a newborn. I consider it fatigue boot camp till D-day.

The worse is my body heat. I have been sleeping in nothing but underwear with no covers and I still have random heat flashes throughout the night where I wake up damp with sweat despite the ac and the constantly running fan.

The only other disruption is my nocturnal baby. She's the most active before I sleep. I mean, so active every five seconds my stomach is forced out in triangular mini peaks from her little elbows and knees. It takes her awhile to settle down when I am ready to sleep or for me to block out the vibrations from my gut. She does like to sleep in and I don't feel a twitch from her until way after breakfast.

On Monday I went to the hospital to see the other midwife in my practice. She was a kind, talkative older woman that I really took to. I guess it made the $4 parking fee worth it just to meet this other woman who could very well deliver my baby if she is the midwife on call. She informed me that my regular midwife is on vacation for the next two weeks, so goody goody new midwife will be happy to swab my anus for the strep B test in two weeks! (For those that don't know, this is a culture done of my vagina and anus to make sure I don't have any nasty strep B living there) If it is present I will be administered medicine, probably an antibiotic (I'm not sure) while in labor. Without this precautions strep B can have devastating effects on the precious faces of babies born vaginally to infected mothers.

I'd rather not have to put a paper bag over my kid's head, so I'll happily deal with the indignity of having someone cotton swab my asshole. (somehow, so much worse than being poked in the vagina. Like that is old school news, but my butt?!)

In other news, baby girl is measuring right where she should be and I gained a mere half a pound in two weeks. That means I'm up to 138. I started at about 120, give or take a pound. I'm a bit under the average in weight gain thus far, but the midwife says she is not concerned and that it is better to be a bit under than blow up like a fat cow as I did for River.

Maybe she didn't say that exactly...

I am currently looking forward to labor. Maybe I have happy pre-labor hormones making me think about labor as a big adventure instead of the horrible, scream inducing torture I am quite aware that it is. A torture that ends in a very brutalized crotch region. But it isn't as if I can avoid that fate. I mean, in all likelihood, the kid needs to come out that way. I might as well embrace the experience again, do my best to avoid medication (again) and get to meet my new baby at the end! I'm exited to see how it is to do it all a second time now that I know better what to expect.

The countdown is on!

It is three weeks until I am full term.

Four weeks and four days until I am as far along as I was with River.

Six weeks until me due date.

I won't be pregnant any longer than eight weeks from now!

33 weeks and trying to get it all done

By Autumn on July 22, 2010 7:32 PM | Talk to me

A close up! No new stretch marks here! I got a few stretch marks in my last week or two of pregnancy with River.

Thirty three weeks and it's almost time to say goodbye to July. It's hard to believe that this pregnancy is almost over. Ltely though I feel like it can't end soon enough. I'm eager to meet the baby and have her safely in my arms. I remember holding River, paranoid he'd fall asleep and never wake up. I couldn't sleep well when he slept without waking periodically to listen for his breathing or feel the rise and fall of his little chest. I missed those days when he was safe inside my body.

With this baby, it is just the opposite. I worry about the fluid levels now and again. I'll realize I haven't felt her move for hours and silently beg her to do so. To let me know she is okay in there. It would be so much easier to know if she were here already. I can control my care for her once she is outside my body. Right now, it's just a waiting game. Waiting for her to pack on the pounds. Waiting for her lungs to mature. Ticking off time till she can come healthy and finished in every possible way.

It's true, I can't wait to meet her. It's also true that I can. We're working on River's potty training still and with success! I guess my theories are proving right. Having a naked bottom all day was the way to go for my child. It's only with nothing on that he is learning to focus on what all goes on down there. It's been two and a half days of trial and error. Our first day we had one successful pee in the potty. Our second, one again. Today he has peed in the potty three times and took his first poop there as well. (Plus had three accidents with one being in underwear. Even so, we're still up one for the team!)

I had no idea motherhood would include a euphoric joy over the placement of someone's stool. But when my son put his turds into his potty, I was overjoyed. I know a new baby will probably set River back on potty training and also make it harder for me to help him out. I know whatever freedom I now enjoy will be compromised for some time. It will be hard to let go of that, especially at first. I know it will be hard for me to force myself to rest and let Jason take over with River and the house for a week. Most people would look forward to this "vacation" of a sort (if vacation meant not sleeping, having a sore crotch, possible hemorrhoids (who am I kidding, huge hemorrhoids) and milk engorged boobs).

Next week is my baby shower, voluntarily thrown by a local friend of mine. It will be a small brunch affair with toddlers welcome. I'm happy about that. I don't want a big deal for my number two at the same time I feel flattered that I get to have something thrown in my honor at all! I didn't expect that down here. It isn't as if I've made loads of friends in my year living in Baltimore. My mom is coming down that weekend too. I'm excited for that.

I got an invitation for a friend's baby shower today which I can not attend as it falls in my "could very well go into labor" zone and takes place in New York. I already sent her out a gift knowing that my mind will be about as useful as a puddle of goop once the baby arrives. Must have all gift giving done pre-baby!

Everyone I know is having kids, another kid, just had a kid. I wonder if this is a factor of my age? I can't seem to have a baby alone. River was born within the same week as two of my friends' children. We all had boys. Baby girl is due on the same exact day as a dear friend's older sister's third child. Six weeks later another friend is due and three weeks after that, yet another one. This time I have the lone girl of the bunch. This month alone, three people I know have announced their second pregnancies. Maybe babies are contagious. Actually, I know they are contagious. Each time I desired to reproduce it was because some adorable child or infant got my ovaries all worked up by being freak'in adorable.

So, thirty three weeks in and 4-9 left to go! (Holy shit)

I feel much the same as I have been. My tummy perhaps a bit tighter, my belly button slightly more flat, my feet a tad more prone to swelling.

I'm occasionally craving the crisp, cool air of fall, apple cider, pumpkin pie, golden afternoons and the fragile curve of a set of newborn baby feet.

32 weeks and the allure of pink

By Autumn on July 15, 2010 9:30 PM | 2 Comments

32 weeks pregnant (as of Wednesday)!

Baby center.com's fetal development calendar tells me that baby girl is about to enter a growth spurt. I can believe she is packing on the pounds. I've started phase one of the waddle. Not really a waddle yet, thanks be, but the start. A roll to my gait, a slower gait overall, and one that takes some real effort with the huge weight pushing out my middle.

(I also think I forgot to mention that my predictions proved true. I am not anemic and was told by my midwife that I will not become anemic as I have safely passed the lowest iron levels in my pregnancy! Another missing bit of information/ another theory proved true. This pregnancy I have an anterior placenta. Which means it is at the front of my uterus not the back (as it was with River) which explains why it took me just as long to feel baby girl move as River, even though this was my second pregnancy! The placenta cushioned her movements until she got bigger.)

But back to the 32 weeks and the start of my eighth month of pregnancy....

I am off and on sent to gasping by a sudden painful twinge from my hip ligaments protesting the strain of holding my monstrous uterus in place. Usually, so far, on my left side. Still, this pain is nothing on the nerve pain I had with River that sent daggers of pain from my ass cheek down my thighs so I couldn't move without whimpering and didn't dare walk until it passed.

And finally, the near pain of someone wiggling inside me. I feel this child all the time now. Huge lumps of baby butt, back, and little knobs of elbows, knees, feet, fists. I have no idea what is what, but there are lumps and pushes and wiggles. Sometimes I can feel her down low moving her head around or her hands near her face. Still, I haven't felt her hiccups. River had them all the time. That was a weird sensation!

It is harder to be comfortable in any position. I need pillows under my belly, between my legs, and then I lean one way and suddenly feel like I might pee myself, lean another and my back hurts, I can't breathe, something is in my ribs, my hip aches. Damn it, move again and again and finally get something that's okay until someone inside me moves and then I have to pee again!

I am totally feeling like a beached whale when I try to get out of bed. Wait... I do not get out of bed, I roll out of bed. Let's not even talk about the pee. I go from sitting to standing and feel like I might wet myself. Fifteen minutes pass and I feel like I have to pee again. Each of these pees? Minuscule. Minor. A mere trickling. Enough to fill a teaspoon. Sigh...

At my midwife appointment this week I heard back about the results of my last ultrasound. My OB had called to let me know the results were in, there was no change, and she needed the fax number to my midwife to send along the info. This was...oh two weeks ago. After my OB phone call about my first ultrasound with a large explanation of what it meant and reassurances, I figured nothing was amiss. But not only are baby girl's kidneys unchanged, her amniotic fluid levels are also on the low average end at 9.3. Dangerously low is 5 or lower and too high is 24 or higher. The fluids should be increasing over the next two weeks and then will taper off until birth. The concern is that her enlarged kidneys mean she has a blockage or that they are not functioning correctly and thus she is not contributing to the fluid levels with enough urine. Yes, babies swallow and then pee out the fluid they float in. Intriguing...

My midwife wants me to have another ultrasound at 36 weeks to see how things are. I asked her what would happen if my fluid levels dropped too low and she said I would have to be induced, but not before 36 weeks as they want to baby to be full term. If there is no change, an updated ultrasound will be required to hand off to the pediatrician who will examine baby girl more throughly after birth or maybe there will be a positive change by 36 weeks.

The midwife was also displeased with the vagueness of the write up about the ultrasound and wants me to go have an ultrasound done specifically in a obstetrics department (all mine have been in a generalized radiology department), preferably at the hospital where I am going to deliver. But if you recall I had a whole morning of phone calls trying to figure out how to have this done for my very first ultrasound and was informed that I had to go with my provider for the ultrasound/blood work/what-have-you even though I was outside my "network" by being referred to a midwife for my prenatal care and delivery. So a phone call with my insurance (just to make sure) led me back to trying to reach my original OB for a referral. This time for a high risk ultrasound. I ended up having to send my OB an email as there is no way via phone in which to get a hold of this woman or her staff or the god damn office! Now I wait for her to call me and figure out what the fuck is going down and when, and where.

I am very much not pleased, but keeping the faith that all will turn out fine in the end. No one seems very concerned. Everything is a 'just-in-case' at the moment.

In better news, I only gained another 2 1/2 pounds in one month. That puts me around 137 1/2. That's 17 1/2 pounds gained so far this pregnancy. Remember, when River was born I was 165 and the average weight gain the medical community wants for us preggo women is 25-30 pounds. With River I gained 45. I think I am doing pretty damn good this time around. I feel great, amazingly great. I hope baby girl feels the same!

Pee baby! Pee gosh darn it! Swim in a hot sea of urine!

And as the due date approaches, I am feeling like I need to have all the last of the things we need for the baby and one of those things was the car seat. What if she came early and we didn't have it? They won't let you take the baby home without it! We'd have to try to find all the pieces to convert River's car seat back into the infant car seat just to bring her home! NO! Must have.

I totally shocked myself by getting a pink one. I mean, I'm not buying her any (or many, I'm sure I will eventually buy something) clothes for the first year (if not longer). She's going to be in mostly gender neutral or boy hand-me-downs from her brother. That means neutral bouncy seat, crib bedding, receiving blankets and so on. So, I just couldn't resist getting a pink car seat.

One, because I could. Two, because I don't hate pink--though you won't see much of it anywhere in my home or wardrobe. Three, it's River's favorite color. Four, it isn't as if the seat is a girly pattern or anything. It's okay pink. (no flowers, stars, grinning kittens, or hearts with sequins) Five, I am having a girl. I feel like I need something pink! Six, it's only the infant car seat. I'll buy her something less flashy for the one she's going to be stuck in for years on end. End argument. (Now I will go hide my head in the sand and scold myself. I really should have gotten the brown one with the lime green trim. That was cute too and not so....pink)

Oh, but isn't it cute?

My only other pink indulgence has been a set of newborn pacifiers like I had for River. I could have gotten these in blue or green, but once again I caved to the girly pink. This is what happens when you have a boy first. Though I purchased River a couple pink diapers and pacifiers, I couldn't go and get him the ones with hearts and pig-tailed blushing girls. And now, now I can totally run wild with this cute girl shit.

BUTTERFLIES!

FLOWERS!

POKA-FREAKIN-DOTS!

In other news, Jason and I placed bets on D-day. We haven't agreed on what the other one wins yet. I think I might demand a morning sleeping in and freebie on diaper changes for 24 hours. (which he then informed me I could have any day I wanted after the baby was born. So I changed it to lunch out at my favorite vegan/veggie cafe called Liquid Earth in Fell's Point.) Of course, that lunch out will probably include a newborn and a hyper two year old, but still--juice blend with wheatgrass, pinenuts and spinach. Yum!

My guess: September 2nd

Jason's guess: September 6th

Those are both before my actual due date. Watch baby girl hold out till 42 weeks. I may then have a post about busting open at the belly. Sorta like the Kool-Aid man gut pounding a wall. only instead of yelling "Oh, yeah!" I'll be yelling, "Oh, shit!".

In need of amniotic fluid! Please send donations to Autumn's womb--home of the pee-luctant baby girl. Thank you.

30 weeks

By Autumn on July 1, 2010 11:41 AM | Talk to me

really needs someone to talk a photo so my face can be included!

Thirty weeks seems like a pregnancy power number. I find myself clutching my stomach and wanting to slow down time. Too soon! She'll be here too soon! I'm not ready for this!

My stomach has popped even further. I can recall the grinding ache of my loose hips, the shallow breaths from my squashed lungs. It should be an interesting 7-12 weeks over here.

I also have been experiencing heartburn. Yeah! I wondered when that would return. At least this time I know what that slow burn of acid up my esophagus means. It means I ate too much and it was probably tomatoes! It also means I can pop a few Tums to get some relief. My first case of horrible heartburn involved much panic as I thought something was horribly wrong with my heart! Little did I know it was just another pain created by growing a baby. I also didn't know how Tums would become my best friend. I love you Tums. Chalky goodness. Yum yum! So much wisdom had for this second pregnancy.

My feet are also starting to swell if I spend to much time upon them. I totally plan to retain tons of water again. Puffy faces are so very attractive this summer. How much longer will my wedding ring remain upon my finger? The countdown is on!

And because boob talk is hardly taboo in this household--I keep finding dried colostrum on my nipples. Since around the time I weened River actually. Last night, purely out of curiosity, I was able to hand express some. I then flashed back to how often my nipples will be sucked by an infant and felt a shudder of revulsion. It's like nipple boot camp, nipple extreme weight training, nipple Olympics. I have been quite surprised in how nice it has been to have my breasts back and pretty soon they will be in high demand 24/7. And let's just all agree that newborns suck at nursing. So it isn't as if my tender aureoles will be in the hands of a pro or anything. No, they will be gummed by someone who's claim to vision is 20/400, doesn't know she even has hands, and may or may not be born with a case of hairy ears like her brother.

Occasionally I get something like a achy menstrual cramp low down in my belly. A change of position always fixes that small discomfort but the echo of my memories remains. The haunting pain of labor. The excruciating torture of the entire gory process. I've started dreaming about it even. It's too bad getting a baby out isn't as nice as putting a baby in. sigh...

Do you know what thirty weeks means?

It means I just slapped myself on the forehead and thought, Oh, shit. Remind me why I wanted to do this again!

*Ultrasound update: no change in baby girl's very minor slightly above normal kidney (or is is kidneys? I forget.) She will be getting her very own ultrasound after birth as we all wait to see if she can pee like the best of them. Probably nothing. No one (ob, midwife, expecting parents) are worried. But there is the news for you.

29 weeks: the return of the pregnancy hormones

By Autumn on June 24, 2010 8:59 PM | Talk to me

I can feel them stewing in my body--hormones. I've tried to explain them in a number of ways. Hornets in my head. Someone giving my harp strings the extra couple turns making them so tight that if your pluck, they will surely snap. My thickest layer of skin removed leaving me raw. It is so easy to blame my emotional downs on hormones, but it seems to work. Once each month pre-baby in the belly, first trimester, and now the third. The second having been the blissful eye of the storm all the web sites and books promised me. When everything was roses and optimism, energetic highs and perky excitement.

Now I am returning to an increasing unbalanced see-saw. Clawing my way up the down slopes in attempt to regain my equilibrium. Feeling restless in my own body, agitated by some unremembered, untouchable anxiety that won't allow me to relax, and re-rehashing things that sometimes feel so easy to be at peace, but suddenly cause me to break out in figurative hives.

I don't like to complain. There is always someone with worse problems. I debated how honest I wanted to be in this post. Should I be flippant and playful? Morosely frank? How much should I try to explain--a justification to avoid self pity?

But maybe it will benefit many of us to know that I too have my moments. I don't want to seem invincible, impervious, above such things.

I am surely not.

Having recently stomped out of my son's room I first lay my head against the wall in the hall swamped with anger at myself, disgust, frustration, wavering resolve, despair and self pity. I then wondered blindly, wanting to cry but not willing to give myself that, into the guest room, knelt by the bed like someone in prayer and flailed myself with accusations. All because of my own motherly trigger--the not sleeping child.

He fights sleep and I become insanely angry the longer I am sequestered in his room poked by his limbs, breaking out in pregnancy induced sweat, uncomfortable, having to pee, telling him to stop talking, be still, close your eyes, go to sleep. I've tried leaving the room and he just yells and talks. I've tried sitting on the floor. I once sat on the floor for two hours determined to wait it out. Sleep only comes when I take him back into my arms, push all my frustrations out of my gut and chest, and remember him as a small, helpless baby. I rock. I shush. He passes out. But more and more often I am so frustrated I yell. I pound his mattress. I slam my book against his toy shelf and bellow, "JUST STOP!" His frustrated whimpers fill me up with shame. Sometimes I frighten him with my own mommy tantrums. I know that. Frighten him in ways my own mother's temper frightened me. (maybe all children are afraid of their mother's tempers) My shame is so deep, I seriously despise myself in those moments. I have anxiety about putting him to sleep. He probably has anxiety about me putting him to sleep.

But it isn't just that. I've dealt with this before. Push back nap time, nap with him in our room where it is cooler and more comfortable, refuse to give in to my frustrations, meditate. I know we only have these types of days when I am already on a short fuse. When I'm tired or something else is gnawing at me. I tell myself it is okay. I apologize to him. I explain that even mommies get angry. That I will try to do better next time and usually, I do. As long as I am trying to do better, I am on the right path? Or so I hope. But every time that ugly anger spills up out of me I feel like I have the family curse--this horrible anger. This sudden electrifying rage. I wish I could pluck it out and toss it in the trash.

Everything spirals out of being unbalanced. My quicker temper, my sensitivity, my loneliness. I feel unappreciated, without enough help.

Children of Alcoholics 101: Children take on different roles when they have an alcoholic parent. Such as:

Family hero

The family hero role brings pride to the family by being successful at school or work. At home, the hero assumes the responsibilities that the enabling parent abdicates. By being overly involved in work or school, they can avoid dealing with the real problem at home and patterns of workaholism can develop. Although portraying the image of self-confidence and success, the hero may feel inadequate and experience the same stress-related symptoms as the enabler.

And believe me, a Stay-At-Home-Mother-and-Wife is considered work. I take my work very seriously.

But these lows always involve a withdraw and a good deal of self-pity. A good deal of why me? I am unsuited to this. Where is my life going? Where will I be five, ten, twenty years from now? Am I really happy? How could I have thought bringing another child into this world would be a good idea? I don't deserve this child. I'm bound to fuck up the one I already have. Why did my Dad have to be such a shit? Why did my brother die? Why do I continue to try to put myself over this sadness when it is just easier to lie still and let my own snot and tears soak my swollen face? Easier to dredge up all my hurt, anger, and resentments. To see myself wronged.

But I do refuse to give in to this. Refuse to become like my family. I want to be better and more. I want to keep trying. I tell myself it is okay to back slide and have my moments, but they need to be brief. And I also understand how easy it must be to try to hold onto happiness through drugs. To drown out these low feelings with a high. Don't I wish there was some pill that would keep me from never feeling this way again. From never loosing my temper. From never feeling the urge to point fingers and pass my pain around to those I love the most. But I've seen my father and brother use this method. Hiding, avoiding and not actually fixing anything. Such self medication only makes things worse.

I do think happiness is work and because I want it, I'm going to keep working. But just so you all know, I am warning everyone that, hormones be partly to blame or not, that I am having to work quite a bit harder recently to keep myself from tumbling off my see-saw and throwing a tantrum in the dirt beneath.

This post was written on Wednesday and by the time Jason walked through the door Wednesday afternoon and asked me how I was doing, I was instantly able to unburden. Not even by complaining to him about whatever he may have done to tip my see-saw, but talking about the fact that I am finding it harder to stay as cheerful and then simply talking about other things (like the book I was reading).

Today I feel great. Switched up nap time to our room and River was out in 30 minutes and I was too. I think life it a good thing as long as when your husband walks through the door you feel like he's helped take a huge bolder of tension and stress off your back so you can walk easier.

That doesn't mean twenty-four hours from now I won't be crying over a commercial or throwing a tantrum because shaving my legs has proven to become far too difficult--that-I-just-can't-deal.

Darn you, pregnancy hormones.

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38 weeks pregnant

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34 weeks and sleeping like a pile of poo

33 weeks and trying to get it all done

32 weeks and the allure of pink

30 weeks

29 weeks: the return of the pregnancy hormones

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